Xbox One - A Satire

The Internet is in an Uproar:

The online community seems to be up-in-arms over the details regarding Microsoft's new addition to their series of consoles, and rightfully so!  The fact that I am expected to have internet connectivity at my home at least once a day is completely unreasonable!  I had a hard enough time getting the power company to provide me with electricity in my house under a rock, now I have to convince the internet company to give me the internet! That is where I draw the line! I, for one, will NOT be buying this next generation console.  I am going to boycott the Xbox One, and the internet together.  I'm sure if I convince a few more people to join my boycott that the console (and the internet) won't sell very good, and they will be forced to submit to my demands.  Here are my demands:

Kinect (big brother) must be stopped: I'm sorry, but this whole motion control technology has gotten out of hand.  It has progressed way beyond what I am comfortable with as a responsible member of society.  Most people think that technological advancements are "good" but I assure you, that they are not.  I've decided that as part of my boycott of the Xbox One and the internet I am also boycotting cellphones and computers, or anything that connects to someone else's internet computers.  I cannot sit by and allow a device in my home that will be on all the time, have a camera AND a microphone built-in, and connect to the internet every day!  They say it can read your heart-rate, but what aren't they telling us? Spoiler alert: it can probably read your thoughts too! Also, I am going to be starting a side business selling tin-foil hats, these hats will be functional, *fashionable, and they will decrease brain-wave based thought robbery by *99.9% guaranteed, and they will be reasonably priced at $20 USD.  This is the least I could do for those foolish enough to buy this new console.  You won't be able to stop them from ease-dropping on uninteresting conversations you have in your living rooms about who is dating who, what you-tube video you should watch next, or what prestige level you are in Call of Duty: Ghosts, but you will be able to block them from knowing that you haven't even prestiged in Call of Duty: Ghosts.  You won't be able to stop them from watching you sit in your greasy unwashed underwear playing video-games, watching blu-rays, or cable porn; but you will be able to block them from knowing that you think you are disgusting.

Used Games: This is a no-go for me.  They expect us to pay money for a game that someone else has already paid for?!  That is unacceptable!  I don't know about you, but when I joined the internet, I thought that my days of paying for things was over.  Now it seems like you need a subscription with a monthly or annual fee to get anything on here.  I mean, where is this money going? It's not like making "an internet" costs money! I'm sure the people who make these games are so rich from endorsements from some sweatshop based shoe company that the money they lose from me "borrowing" a game from a "friend" doesn't even register on their radar.  I have an extensive game collection too, most people are happy enough to buy their games from stores, but my entire game collection is built from games that I have found lying around in peoples homes during house parties, or in neatly organized shelves at the same parties.  My biggest complaint is when people don't put the disc back in the case when they're done with it.  I can't tell you how many times I've gotten home only to find an empty case.  Completely unrelated, I have about a dozen copies of Portal 2 that I will be putting up for sale on e-bay, these games are all "as-is", no refunds will be accepted.

That is all, I hope you will join me in my boycott.  We need to get, like, everybody to do this, or the console will actually be kind of successful, and the gaming world will simply just leave us behind and forget about us. However, if we manage to get enough people to do this, we could make the next generation of gaming a complete flop and destroy the industry as we know it, and also the internet, we want to put an end to that thing too.

Thank you.

* actual color and performance of tin-foil hats may vary with use.  However, if you actually buy into the crap that I just wrote, I wouldn't worry too much about people stealing your thoughts.

Weirdest. Dream. Ever.

I was walking around the university looking for a friend when I saw a wheelchair sitting in the hallway. I was like: "that looks like it would be better than walking". Anyway, I apprehend the wheelchair and start wheeling around looking for the particular place we are supposed to meet. When we do meet, I notice that he found a wheelchair too! So we wheel around a bit together and then I realize that my wheelchair is motorized and has a gas pedal. However, shortly after realizing this I see a man who seems appropriately disadvantaged to necessitate the use of such a wheelchair. I stop and ask him: "is this your wheelchair?" He thinks about this for a second before responding in the affirmative. However, I'm a little skeptical from the way he paused so I ask him to verify that it's his wheelchair. Upon verification, I was satisfied to yield the chair to him as I clearly did not need it. As we were leaving one of the security personnel took notice of the fact that I came in a wheelchair as was leaving, well, not in a wheelchair. So he asked if I had stolen that wheelchair. Suddenly concerned that what I did may have been wrong, or worse, illegal (see The IT Crowd - Season 2:Episode 1). I became worried that I would be arrested, or worse, kicked out of school. So I avoided him, and tried to get away. When I noticed he was following me I had the idea to fake a phone call to avoid speaking to him. However, when I pulled my phone out of my pocket I actually received a call from my mother. So, I stopped to talk to her at what appeared to be a large speed-skating arena...at the university. Upon closer inspection I noticed that there was no ice and that this arena worked on the same principle as shuffleboard where, people wear little things on their feet and they slide around on a waxed surface, except people were making intense speed-skating style turns in such a way that their bodies were completely parallel to the surface. This perplexed me as this did not seem physically possible. The security guard, it turned out was more interested in my theft for comical value as he thought it would've been funny. Now looking at the arena he pointed to a set of some available “shoes” and he told me I should try it, but I was hesitant insisting that: “it doesn't seem physically possible”. This was about where I woke, whereupon I was faced with a reality where the university doesn't have wheelchairs lying around or giant shuffleboard arenas. Sad day.

First. Blog Post. Ever. (By me)

So, I figure I owe it to the world to finally start posting my thoughts and feelings about stuff where everyone can read and appreciate (and agree) with them.  You can expect some of the best, most entertaining, interesting, and gramatically correct blogging you've ever read.  Occasionally I may even throw some pictures up from my adventures to come.  However, don't expect me to post about things that have already happened!  What's done is done, there is no point in dwelling in the past and remeniscing about good times had.  I'm moving on with my life and so should you.  Anyway, I'm rambling, which happens to be another fantastic feature that this blog will have, the unbridled ramblings as you've never witnessed before.  There will be no limit to the ramblings I will ramble...well, until my carpel tunnel acts up and my hands and wrists get sore from typing, that will definitely limit my ramblings to a few short sentences.  Speaking of which.

BLOG OVER.